Talking to someone who may be experiencing domestic or family violence

Supporting someone experiencing domestic and family violence (DFV) or coercive control is very important. They might not be ready to make a change straight away, but your support may help them to consider their options and ultimately ensure their safety.

Starting a conversation

It can be difficult to have conversations about DFV or coercive control. Here are some tips to help:

• Do they feel safe and trust you to talk to them?
• Are they alone and in a safe place? Could there be surveillance, and do you have enough time to talk?
• Ask questions that might help start a conversation – for example, explore what you have seen, heard, or felt.
• Believe what the person tells you. They are more likely to downplay DFV rather than exaggerate it. Many abusers are charming to others. What you see of their behaviour may be very different to their behaviour towards their partner, family member, or person they are caring for.
• Stand by them. It’s okay if they don’t want talk. Express your concern and remind them DFV is never okay, and it’s not their fault. Reassure them that you will stand by them no matter what they choose to do and be ready to talk or help whenever they ask.
• Be supportive. Try not to offer advice or put the person under pressure. Knowing they are supported is very important. Make it clear that the person using DFV or controlling behaviour (coercive control) is responsible for their behaviour and not them. The person experiencing DFV cannot make a person stop being abusive, no matter how hard they try.
• Don’t judge. Do not tell them what to do but help them to explore options that are available. Avoid putting the person who is using violence or control down. This can make victim-survivors feel more isolated and judged and risks them not disclosing more.

Remember, it is important to protect yourself. As a bystander, never put yourself in danger or do anything that doesn’t feel safe or appropriate for you. Look after your wellbeing and get support if needed.

Getting help and support

• Do they need emergency help? If the person is in immediate danger, call the police on Triple Zero (000). If they want to go to a refuge or safe place, support them to do so.
• Help is available. Encourage them to seek professional help on their own behalf. You might like to do some research on local support services so you have information to provide them. Find help and support options.
• Do they need professional help or support? Encourage them to seek professional help on their own behalf. Help and support is available. If you think you might need to seek professional advice to help you better assist them, it is important to tell them you might do this. Reassure them can discuss the situation without revealing their name or any identifying details.

What if they won’t leave the relationship?

It is natural to be concerned and wish for your friend or family member to be safe.

Reasons why they may stay

There are many reasons why your family member or friend may stay in the relationship. They may feel it is safer for them to stay in the relationship than to leave, at least for now.

Ending any relationship is difficult and where DFV or coercive control is occurring it can be very risky. There may be several reasons why a victim-survivor feels they cannot leave an unhealthy relationship including:

• Love – they believe their partner's promise to end DFV and hope the relationship can continue free from violence or control.
• Fear - for their life, the lives of their children or family following a threat from the person using DFV. They believe they have nowhere to go or that they will be found wherever they go. They may also fear they will be isolated from family and friends.
• Financial reasons – they may have little or no access to money and believe they will not be able to support themselves or their children.
• Family loyalty or duty – they may be encouraged or persuaded by others (such as family, friends, religious leader, or community elder) to stay in the relationship or give their partner another chance to change. They may be reluctant to end the relationship after the years that have been invested.
• Familiarity, and/or uncertainty about the future - believe they cannot cope by themselves or alone with their children. They may be unwilling to take the children away from their home and the other parent, or fear losing their children in a custody battle.
• Cultural or religious beliefs – they have a cultural or religious belief that marriage is forever.
• Shame – they may feel ashamed and believe that DFV is their fault.

What can I do?

Do not pressure them. It is never easy to make a significant decision about the future and placing pressure on the person to leave can be unhelpful. Knowing they have your continued support is often the most valuable investment you can make in your friend. Remember the choice to use DFV or coercive control is in the hands of the person using it and never the responsibility of the victim-survivor and/or the bystander.

How to talk to a person using violence or coercive control?

Show respect - as effective bystanders, we must show the same level of respect to those using harm as we do to those being harmed.

Be a good role model. Role-modelling respectful behaviour is vital to changing behaviour. When supporting a person using DFV, offer support but do not condone their behaviour or the attitudes that may support their use of violence and control. Challenge sexist beliefs and attitudes, call out jokes or put-downs made at their partner’s expense, and be clear about the use of violence or control being a choice that has negative consequences.

Be cautious. Always exercise caution. Don’t directly confront someone or engage with a person using violence or control if it puts you in danger or the person being abused at further risk.